Argh! I Hate My Boobs!

It is no secret that I have small boobs. I have hated them all my life because they never fill my clothes right. Swimsuits look weird because I look so skinny in them. And then when I had Landon and had to breastfeed I hated them even more. All the breastfeeding consultants said size has no impact on production but I don’t believe that. How can tiny boobs like mine possibly make as much milk as someone with size B or C breasts? There’s just no way! I never produced enough breast milk to satisfy Landon’s appetite and it took me a long time to come to terms with it because I kept feeling like a failure for under-producing. My boobs had one job and they failed.

Obviously, I’ve had this hating relationship with my boobs so you can only imagine how mad I was at them after I found out I had cancer in the right one. My boobs have never done anything right. I never got to enjoy any perks of having boobs and now you become cancerous?! Why do I even have you?!

But after much thought, having small boobs actually saved my life. I stopped breastfeeding at the end of August. Every mom can attest to the fact that while breastfeeding, you know your boobs like the back of your hands. You are always looking at them or feeling them to make sure there are no clogged ducts, signs of infection, etc. So at least at the end of August I was sure that my boobs were normal. After I finished breastfeeding I kind of forgot I had boobs… and boy, was that a great feeling. I no longer had to worry about the pain from engorgement or clogged ducts, embarrassment from milk leaking, just to name a few.

In October I was watching TV when I had an itch on my side. While scratching, I felt a bump. It was small, nodular, not painful. The skin over it looked normal. I figured it was a cyst because many women get cysts after they breastfeed. I though to myself, “I’ll just keep an eye on it.” 3 months later I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I always wonder to myself, if I had bigger boobs, would I have felt or noticed such a small mass so early on? My guess is probably not. So despite the fact that I hate my cancerous boobs, I am now at least thankful that they are small.