Two topics that seem
completely unrelated… until I became a mother last year and got diagnosed with
breast cancer the same month my baby boy turned one. Even though I have been a
mother for a much shorter time than I have been a doctor, I identify as a
mother now as much as I identify as a doctor. Before the cancer invaded my
life, my life was basically doctoring and mothering. So how is this cancer
diagnosis affecting my ability to be a mother? Well, January and February were
tough because I continued to work full time and on my days off I was at doctors’
appointments, or getting tests/procedures/surgery. So frankly, I didn’t have
time to tend to Landon as much as usual. Thankfully, Dan and his parents were
home to care of Landon so I doubt he noticed any difference. I have been off
work since March and I have to be honest, it’s kinda nice. I get to spend a lot
of time with Landon and be there for his milestones. I don’t feel like I’m missing
him grow. They change so quickly at this age that when I started working last
year I felt like I was missing out on a lot. So in that sense this cancer
diagnosis has been a blessing in disguise. But I must say, it is not easy being
a mother while having cancer. Usually for about 7-10 days after chemo I feel awful. I have terrible fatigue, nausea, acid reflux, body pain, and I don’t
feel like doing anything, including mothering. It’s hard to take care of a screaming
toddler (who you can’t reason with) when you feel like crap.
Sometime I feel guilty. I
know, it’s not like I can help that I have cancer, but I feel like Landon is
missing out on things because of me. I’m immunocompromised from chemo so I have
to be extra careful about being around other people who are sick. Everyone knows
that toddlers are petri dishes full of who knows what! If Landon gets sick and
gives me whatever he has, I could potentially get super sick and may need IV
antibiotics and hospital admissions, not to mention I could potentially become
septic and die. Needless to say, I am super paranoid because I have seen these cases
and it’s bad. I have been trying to keep Landon away from other kids because of
this. We used to go to a baby gym but we stopped that. We decided to delay starting
daycare so he doesn’t bring home any germs. Landon has missed a few birthday
parties and playdates because he could catch something from other kids. I guess
I’ll just have to make it up to him in the future. The good thing is that he is
too young to remember!
It sucks that I have cancer
at such a young age but there is one reason that I am thankful that I got this
early. Landon is still young. He is too young to remember any of this. He will
never remember me as a cancer patient. He will not remember me looking pale and
weak. He will not remember me vomiting and being sick. He will not have to
wonder why his mom is not around as much to play with him or hold him. I’m
supposed to be his MOM… his rock, his supporter, his cheerleader, his hero. I
think for the next few months the roles will actually be reversed, but he will
never know that until I tell him when he’s old enough to understand that he
saved my soul.
