Motherhood and Cancer, Part 1

Two topics that seem completely unrelated… until I became a mother last year and got diagnosed with breast cancer the same month my baby boy turned one. Even though I have been a mother for a much shorter time than I have been a doctor, I identify as a mother now as much as I identify as a doctor. Before the cancer invaded my life, my life was basically doctoring and mothering. So how is this cancer diagnosis affecting my ability to be a mother? Well, January and February were tough because I continued to work full time and on my days off I was at doctors’ appointments, or getting tests/procedures/surgery. So frankly, I didn’t have time to tend to Landon as much as usual. Thankfully, Dan and his parents were home to care of Landon so I doubt he noticed any difference. I have been off work since March and I have to be honest, it’s kinda nice. I get to spend a lot of time with Landon and be there for his milestones. I don’t feel like I’m missing him grow. They change so quickly at this age that when I started working last year I felt like I was missing out on a lot. So in that sense this cancer diagnosis has been a blessing in disguise. But I must say, it is not easy being a mother while having cancer. Usually for about 7-10 days after chemo I feel awful. I have terrible fatigue, nausea, acid reflux, body pain, and I don’t feel like doing anything, including mothering. It’s hard to take care of a screaming toddler (who you can’t reason with) when you feel like crap.

Sometime I feel guilty. I know, it’s not like I can help that I have cancer, but I feel like Landon is missing out on things because of me. I’m immunocompromised from chemo so I have to be extra careful about being around other people who are sick. Everyone knows that toddlers are petri dishes full of who knows what! If Landon gets sick and gives me whatever he has, I could potentially get super sick and may need IV antibiotics and hospital admissions, not to mention I could potentially become septic and die. Needless to say, I am super paranoid because I have seen these cases and it’s bad. I have been trying to keep Landon away from other kids because of this. We used to go to a baby gym but we stopped that. We decided to delay starting daycare so he doesn’t bring home any germs. Landon has missed a few birthday parties and playdates because he could catch something from other kids. I guess I’ll just have to make it up to him in the future. The good thing is that he is too young to remember!

It sucks that I have cancer at such a young age but there is one reason that I am thankful that I got this early. Landon is still young. He is too young to remember any of this. He will never remember me as a cancer patient. He will not remember me looking pale and weak. He will not remember me vomiting and being sick. He will not have to wonder why his mom is not around as much to play with him or hold him. I’m supposed to be his MOM… his rock, his supporter, his cheerleader, his hero. I think for the next few months the roles will actually be reversed, but he will never know that until I tell him when he’s old enough to understand that he saved my soul.